nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
