We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
