woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
