Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
