if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Sober January is a disaster.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Dignity is for republicans.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
