Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
BRING THE BAGELS
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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