We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
