I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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