I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
