rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
