Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
