so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
