You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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