The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
