You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
