forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm getting married
To pizza
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
