she was so not down for the gang bang
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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