I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
