Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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