Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
