My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
