I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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