Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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