I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
