I got chris browned last night
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
