3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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