He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
what day is it and did you see me today?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
As shirtless as possible
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
