just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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