so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
