I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
