either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
