I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
