no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
