4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
We had to coat check the pizza.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
