Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
