im drinking this country out of the recession.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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