I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
