that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
dude. I can hear the air.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
