Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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