my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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