I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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