You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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