I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Randomize
