you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
