I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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