i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
