I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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