I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
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