whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
