Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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