the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
