I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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