I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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