great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
